Popcorn is my comfort food.
Maybe by the time I finish with my thoughts
we will discover why that is so important.
I was born in 1958, and before you expect to think I may say, it was a more simple time in those days?... No way. Not in my neck of the woods. Dad was a big wig in his job, Mom was for the most part a homemaker, throw in a few waitress jobs here and there. But she was dressed in a dress and makeup was on when Dad got home. We ate together , all 6 of us. I was #3 in the pecking order. I now know why its called that. I had a pretty good child hood. We camped , fished, played card games, hide and seek, Girl scouts, Laura Rawson was my best friend. We played jacks everyday.
I guess the only real damper when looking back, was Mom and Dad
drank. We were such busy, kids, that it wasn't a problem til it was a problem. They smoked like chimneys too. Geez, like kept the windows up in the car with 4 kids in the back. If my lil sister coughed, then the windows would go down. lol.
I was the sensitive one and did not want to make waves, cause a ruckus. But I did not follow the rules either. I drank too. Stole everything that was not nailed down.. I hate stealing today. I would walk back to a store and pay for the gum my baby in a stroller took and I noticed when we got home. I believe I stole out of not wanting to put pressure on my Dad for how stressed I knew he was. It was hard work keeping up with the Jones'. We were middle class folk but Dad wanted you to believe we were better off. wink. So once I found out that I could take, and walk? all good. Til that day security tapped me on the shoulder at the mall. Crap! Judge, counseling...... geez. Done stealing.
The rents were really drinking more and more. I paid close attention to how normal it was. So as I started having adult issues, I knew how to cope.
I married young. 19. First child came in that first year of marriage. The best day of my life, was that lil man. Life was good. He was a good baby, he too was like his Mom, did not want to cause stress for his Dad, so he strove to be the best of Everything. Very bright and talented. Sensitive... Almost 4 years later, I had twin boys. 2nd greatest day in my life. They were good babies and healthy. I felt sorry for my friends with one child, and they kept their parents running. I would say I was lucky, but I had a great group of friends that had bunches of kids before me and gave me great advice. The whole village thing is true. How these friends came about is what I am leading up to.
I loved God from the age of always. I can remember being crushed when my brother said he did not believe in God... He was about 8. So I was 7. I ached for days over that one. That turned out to not be true. He's a pastor today.
Right after my eldest turned one yrs old, I had a deep stirring in me that would not quit. When my husband at the time, (we will call him Anton) brought a friend he worked with, he said I would love his wife and we should meet. Shortly after we did and she talked a lot about God... Man, it sounded familiar, warm and fuzzy. I knew this was a real happening, her and I getting together... Soon she took me to a Bible Study, ( like no other, ), I can say it was bitter and oh so sweet. I learned so much about scripture, and relationship with God the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost. There was no talk about the Holy Spirit. lol.... I started losing myself and all I thought I had figure out in my 24 years. This group was a cult, but I did not know. Folks were pointing things out to me, but I was terrified of losing the closeness to God. Even through this group. I almost lost my marriage over all of it. Very strange things they taught us. I believe every word in the Bible, but their interpretation in many cases were so literal to the point of Husbands should never see their wives naked. That folks was only a small taste of what was being taught... But, it must of been written or they would not of taught it... They were legalistic to the point of the Lord was the biggest meanie there ever was. This went on for a decade of our lives........
My poor children. They thrived through all of it. Bright kids, happy kids. Their Dad and I divorced years later. When I found that I was bored to tears after the boys got to an age they quit coming right home from school, for their cut up orange slices, or their homemade cookies. I felt lost. I did my job of wiping butts, teaching manners, raising wonderful, lovely men. I needed to to something that I enjoyed... but what? I never had a job for long, as I stayed home to raise a husband and 3 kids... Anton liked the fact that more money would come in but told me He was nervous that if I got out into the world, I would see what a shmo (his word) he was and leave him. And he was right. When I graduated from Beauty college, I found work in one of the best salons in our city. By now I'm 37 and bought a home on my own 3 years later. I'm really starting to party and recognize I have a drinking problem. But I'm functioning, so pfff, no problem.
Met my current husband, and what turned my head was the fact, he is really smart, talented, and thought I could do no wrong. I fixed that. He wasn't much of a drinker, but he put up with me, cause he said I was cute when tipsy, awful when drunk. He's right. It almost took my life. My behavior got worse and I became dangerous. To all who knew me and loved me, it was a very difficult time.
Thank God I did not lose my husband Norm. He put up with so much and he's stronger now than ever, but I don't wish that on anyone. He deserved better... He struggled with me to the point he left me and was moving to a different state. Oh man, that broke my heart. I loved him so much, but I loved to drink. I hate that I got drunk so often, but it comes with the addiction. I had to make a difficult decision. I did stop drinking. Turned back to God, and never looked back, accept to say , YAY...!!! We moved together. To a very big city. Las Vegas. Much bigger than our home in Northern Calif.
I have 5 amazing Grandchildren and they are awesome. They all live hundreds of miles from me, so it's very difficult to not be around them, watching them grow up. Sometimes it hurts to the point of extreme pain. My sons are the best Fathers one could want, or deserve. I love my daughters in law. Great moms. I don't expect that any of them will have addiction issues.
I suspect I will live out my years in Las Vegas, but I know anything can happen... Life has taught me many lessons. One is this world is desperate for love. Many have no clue of what their neighbor needs, nor help if they knew. I don't try to find myself anymore.
I work at creating a new self, cause if the old self was that wonderful? it would not of been lost. Have the best day, love the one your with, and look for others that you can share love with. We live in this world and leave a footprint. What does yours say about you?
